The Sexless Innkeeper was a poem composed by Barney and then revised by Ted in The Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney's version[]
Twas the night before New Year's
And the weather grew mean
Twas three in the morning
And I was stranded in Queens!
The tavern grew empty
The gas lights grew dim
The horse-drawn carriages
Were all but snowed in
Last call was approaching
And my fortunes looked bleak
Then I turned to my left
And stifled a shriek!
She had a peach-fuzz beard
And weighed sixteen stone
She gobbled up hot wings
And swallowed the bones
I muffled a scream
And threw up in my mouth
I asked, "Where do you live?"
And she said, "One block south."
I swallowed my pride
And six shots of Whiskey
And prayed to the gods
That she wasn't too frisky
Back in her cave
She prepared us a snack
Neath her mighty hooves
The floorboards did crack
But when she returned
She found a sound sleeper
And thus she became
The sexless innkeeper
Ted's version[]
Twas the night before this one
I had hours to kill
I sat in the tavern
Grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie
Flashed me a grin
Her garb said classy
But her eyes whispered sin
She said, "You're a teacher?"
I said, "Yes, indeed"
"I must have you!" she moaned
"I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper
To my chamber anon
We fell to the couch
And bro, it was on
I unlaced her bodice
Our passions grew deeper
And thus ends the tale
Of the sexless innkeeper