This entry is in response to the episode Something Blue.
Visual Aid? Visual Laid
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I'm a visual learner. I learned to ride a bike watching E.T., learned to swim from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and learned about the birds and bees from my cousin's copy of Mouth Karate 3. But perhaps the best visual aids are numbers. Statistically speaking, numbers are correct 83 percent of the time, which makes them an invaluable tool (ahem) when trying to convince a newly single friend that he will once again get laid.
My best friend Ted recently secured a last-minute reprieve from the death row of monogamy. Fortuitously, I had the following charts and graphs prepared, printed, and mounted on foamcore in anticipation of this momentous day. Sure, heartbreak hurts. But a little cold, hard analysis reminds us that there are greener pastures ahead — pastures you get to have sex in.
BARNEY STINSON'S HOOK UP PERCENTAGES
[Hookup Chart image missing]
As you can clearly see in this bar graph, I enjoy a 300 percent increase in hook-up potential with Ted as wingman — he is, after all, my best friend. Almost as importantly, observe how Ted's numbers skyrocket when he quests with me. Like a remora feasting on scraps that fall from the jaws of a Great White, Ted revels in my hook-up trickle down effect, or the "cake in the wake" phenomenon.
PAST WINGMAN RUSES AND RELATIVE SUCCESS RATES
[Past Success Chart image missing]
Ted has proven himself time and time again to be a top-tier wingman; versatile enough to switch gears successfully between several classic techniques, yet not versatile enough to steal top pair from me. As this pie chart indicates, women have expressed a particular fondness for the business angle. Be it an agent/client celebrating a "closure" or international businessmen in town for "the conference," when a great suit and Ted's ratty blazer are introduced, the combination screams money and power while chicks scream our names…whatever they might be that particular evening.
Of course with Ted out of the pond for a year and a half, he is undoubtedly out of shape. I fully anticipate his foreign accents to have atrophied to Costnerian proportions, necessitating modifications to at least 17 percent of our repertoire. Personally, I'd like to introduce a dot-com billionaire angle as well as explore the Rain Man/caretaker-brother approach, and maybe something with animals...like a Patch Adams for dogs. Your suggestions are always welcome - email@example.com
FORECASTED RATE FOR THE REST OF 2007
[Hotness Forecast Chart image missing]
The left axis represents the level of hotness for future hookups, following a traditional scale of 1-12, with 1 being a toothless, mulleted female con and a 12 being her daughter. As you can see, the numbers project a consistent bevy of quality fare for the Barnacle, while Ted (as represented by a hot pink square), after just five days of Stinsonian wingmanship, is able to limp out of the cellar and bag himself a 10…presumably one I've passed on for any number of reasons, including, but not limited to, pigeon toeness. At that rate, Ted will bring home a 15 in about a week — a practice I cannot support.
In conclusion, statistical analysis provides enormous insight, allowing gentlemen across the world to harness the power of numbers for good, not evil. As for Ted and I, regardless of how you break down the numbers, the future is bright…very bright indeed.
Notes and Trivia
- As this entry was taken from an archive, the "image missing" tags show where images were in the original blog, but cannot be included because they were not saved with the archive.
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