This entry is unrelated to any episode.
Too Tall For My Britches
Monday, April 10, 2006, 5:43pm
It would seem I spoke too soon regarding the benefits / feasibility of dating a chick taller than oneself. To the readers who've already procured for themselves a taller-than-average drink of water, I can only say that barneysblog.com cannot be held responsible for the difficulties you have surely encountered. In short, don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
For those of you who have not yet started down the path of tallness, here are a few of the perils of this less-than-ideal liaison.
- TRACKING SKILLS: Apparently, the taller-than-you chick's unique stature allows her to constantly locate and ogle other potential mates, like a periscope in a sea of dudes. No matter where you are, be you seated or be you standing, she will be constantly looking right over your head, almost as if she were not that captivated by your rakish charms. Now, please bear in mind this is not your fault. It could and does happen to everyone. The girl is merely behaving in accordance with the length of her neck.
- FORGETFULNESS: Apparently, the mental duress of coordinating so many inches of tall chick body leaves very little brainpower left over for remembering things. Things like which bar a gentleman may have suggested a tall chick meet him at, or where she put his business card when he gave it to her. It seems even minor things like unreturned voicemail can slip a tall girl's mind many times a day. I guess they're just too tall to pick up a phone and call you back.
- INHUMANITY: Apparently, taller-than-you chick's narrow but lengthy ribcage is supported, in part, by the vacuum created by the absence of a human heart. It makes sense, if you think about it. No human heart would be strong enough to pump blood all the way to the ends of her freakishly long extremities. This lack of a heart makes it impossible for taller-than-you chick to experience normal, human emotions, which makes her oddly unsympathetic to a partner's needs and desires, and immune to lines and moves that would make a normal, shorter-than-you woman melt. Trust me, it's not even worth it.
In conclusion, dating a chick that is taller than you is not, as previously supposed, all that possible. And, really, it's her loss. We weren't even that interested in taller-than-you chick to begin with. For one thing, she would be terrible at Laser Tag. She couldn't hide behind anything.
I therefore annul Taller-Than-You-Chick's recent victory in the 2006 NHCA Women's Hotness Championship, anointing as replacement co-winners High School Lacrosse Champion and Recently Released Female Convict. Brackets, schmackets. Those are two ladies who understand what true hotness is all about.
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