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Barney's Blog: Three-Way

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This is the fifty-seventh entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive here.

This entry is in response to the episode Third Wheel.

Three-WayEdit

Tuesday, October 9, 2007


When entering a location, it’s crucial for a gentleman to immediately assess all potential three-ways, preferably within 30 seconds. You just have to know what to look for. To help you practice, I have provided illustrations of three common situations you may encounter at the local watering hole. A typical greenhorn might rush to judge and bark up the wrong tree, so take your time. Look closely.


BlogThree-Way1


Torso articulated forward, indicating interest. CHECK. Hair play. CHECK. Non-essential skin-on-skin contact. CHECK. It’s a three-way waiting to happen, right?


BlogThree-Way2


WRONG!
If you want to pop the tent on your own three ring circus, you need to hone your powers of perception. A blind puppy can see that Subject A is not caressing her friend’s hair in affection; rather, she is removing an errant piece of onion ring.


BlogThree-Way3


Okay, but what about the hand holding? That’s as clear a sign as you can get. If they so much as look at you, you’ll be unearthing triceratops fossils all night long, right? WRONG! She’s examining her best friend’s shiny new engagement ring. Three-way potential: 0.00001%


BlogThree-Way4


What about these two?
This one’s in the bag. All that’s missing are several yards of beer, the promise of a foam party, and some chick serving test tube shots and blowing a whistle in your ear and these two will have successfully imported San Padre Island to your favorite bar. FACT: Wet tshirts, like pillow fights and sleepovers, increase female-to-female attraction by a factor of 83 units. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be exploring the Tri- State Area with these sassy lasses, right?


BlogThree-Way5


WRONG!


Really, it’s like we’re not even looking at the same picture. Our subject pours water over herself in what looks like wild Sapphic abandon, but wrench your eyes away from the main attraction and you’ll discover the reason for this public shower: a stain on her brand new, expensive blouse. The only thing on her mind the rest of the night will be how to surgically re-attach the price-tag to exchange her top.


BlogThree-Way6


Speaking of exchanging her top, surely her friend with the beads is ready to go, right?
Don’t call me Shirley.
The beads are part of an elaborate sting… a carefully choreographed ruse designed to score free drinks the rest of the evening. Notice the never-ending cue of gentlemen waiting their turn to buy this “wild” lady a drink? The closest any dude’s coming to a threeway is splitting the tab with two of these guys.


BlogThree-Way7


These two are your best bet. Really? These two? Yes. And how did I determine that these ladies, out of all the women in the bar, are the ones willing to make a triple scoop sundae? Please. A kindergartener could do it.


BlogThree-Way8


Hint: How many glasses are on the bar?


BlogThree-Way9


And how many rings on the fingers?


BlogThree-Way10


Are we seeing a pattern here?


BlogThree-Way11


Yes. That’s right. These girls want to go to Tripoli so badly, they’re resorting to hieroglyphics. All they need is a tour guide.
I think you’re getting the idea. Keep your eyes open, gents – never let laziness take away your Threedom.


Notes and TriviaEdit

  • "Don't call me Shirley" is a line from the 1980 movie Airplane!
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