This entry is unrelated to any episode.
The Air Up There
Wednesday, April 5, 2006, 10:43am
Congratulations, Taller-than-you Chick! You've won the 2006 NHCA Championship, which makes this officially the year of the tall chick... fashion models, professional basketball players, Scandinavians and Zimbabweans languish in obscurity no longer. After years of being relegated to the sidelines, never getting a second date, you are finally a hot commodity. Kudos.
I will now address my gentleman readers. I know what you're thinking: "I could never date a chick taller than myself. She's too clumsy. She's not aerodynamic. If there are no other points of reference and it's just the two of us standing there, people will think I'm really short. Like, even a mailbox would be helpful. Or how about a street sign?" True, but also false. You don't need to be taller than your date, that's backwards thinking. You just need to fool everyone else into believing that you are.
Courtesy of a generous, federally-funded research grant, I've devised an intricate system for subtly jacking yourself up to her stature.
- SECURE HIGH GROUND: Scout date locations ahead of time, identifying the tallest things to stand on, like a curb or a desk. If necessary, conceal apple boxes and raked platforms in strategic places. Behind a couch is always a good one. This eliminates the need for yesteryear's demeaning platform shoes.
- FORCE A NEW PERSPECTIVE: Always try to walk in front of and slightly below your date, from an onlooker's viewpoint. This will make you appear to be walking side by side and at roughly the same height. Most likely, her gait is longer than yours, so pick up the pace. Also, whenever possible, gift her with oversized props and accessories to make her appear more diminutive from afar. In the same vein, you could walk a very small dog.
- WEAR A TOP HAT. Think about it.
And… that's it. This is sort of an ongoing project. Oh, if you guys can think of any others, or ways this relates to hydrogen-powered cars, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I need to present this in Washington next week. Thanks.
Notes and Trivia
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