This entry is in response to the episode Single Stamina.
Stinson V. Stinson
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
If there's one person in this world I trust to dispense advice to all my loyal Barnacles out there, it's my brother, James. Now, I know what you're thinking: Barney has a brother? How can two Stinsons coexist without catastrophically and violently crossing the streams? Well, as Stinson luck would have it, James is gay. Crisis averted. And while we naturally agree on many issues, we sometimes conflict over some key divisive issues.
Below is the reprinted version of a live chat session in which we matched Stinson wits on three questions from loyal blog-readers. If you don't have the time to read, well, the results are no surprise: I won. Easily.
READER: We all know gay guys dress better. What's up with that?
JAMES: It is true that gay guys inherently dress better than straight guys. You might say it's in the "jeans," if you're utterly fashion retarded. I'll tell you why we dress better: necessity. Since "gay-dar" unfortunately doesn't exist, we have to rely on our strong sense of style to weed out breeders when out on the town. Sandals and socks? Have fun with the ladies. Armani pinstripe two-button suit with neatly pressed slacks? I'll see you on the dance floor.
BARNEY: If I can interject for a moment, a) while many gay guys dress better than many straight guys, I wouldn't say that's true in all cases. James, I would expect you of all people to be sensitive to sweeping generalizations and stereotypes. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. And b) two buttons? Are you trying to pick somebody up or christening a yacht? Two buttons? James. Please.
JAMES: Barney, que the F? You asked me to answer some reader questions.
BARNEY: Oh, I'm not entitled to my own opinions on my own blog?
JAMES: Not when they're clearly wrong. The fact that you'd opt for three buttons over two only reiterates my point: Gay dudes dress better than straight dudes.
BARNEY: Agree to disagree.
READER: How do you stay in such great shape?
BARNEY: Stinson men are blessed with an aggressively high metabolism. We work out when we sleep. That's not what you want to hear, but I cannot tell a lie.
JAMES: And what's laser tag, a stroll through the park? And what about yoga? You told me you were taking yoga classes.
JAMES: Yes! You texted me a haiku just last week: "Going to Yoga, Hot chicks, tight clothing, Flexibility."
BARNEY: I'm not taking yoga class, I'm taking from yoga class. Why sit through an hour of painful, sexless stretching in some stinky room when I can simply sit outside and pick off some veritable gymnast as she's leaving? It's like window shopping, but not as taxing.
READER: What is your favorite pick-up spot?
BARNEY: Other than directly outside a yoga class?
JAMES: Please. As Barney will no doubt corroborate, any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet men is in a gay club. When I'm feeling lazy, that is. All I have to do is walk in and smile, and I'm pretty much guaranteed to go home with somebody.
BARNEY: I do corroborate. Any place you're at can very easily become a hot pick-up spot. That being said, I find the easiest place to meet women is in a gay club. There are always groups of unsuspecting straight women who've let their guard down, expecting a fun night of dancing in an environment free from roaming gentlemen. And that's where Barney comes in. Either way, James, I'm surprised at you.
JAMES: But you just agreed with me!
BARNEY: Yes and no. Picking up straight women at a gay club requires finesse and dedication. Yes, it's easy, but I still don't get to just walk in and smile.
JAMES: But you wish you could. How jealous are you that I got all the good looks?
BARNEY: That's all the time we have. See you next week.
Notes and Trivia
- The haiku is two syllables short. A haiku has a five-seven-five syllable layout for a total of seventeen syllables; the haiku in this entry has fifteen syllables.
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