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Barney's Blog: Occupation Stimulation

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This is the thirty-sixth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive Here.

This entry is in response to the episode Ted Mosby: Architect.

Occupation StimulationEdit

Tuesday, October 10, 2006, 3:40pm


Fingering through my mail sack, I stumbled upon the following from blog-reader Coby:

I need advice. I teach, and for some reason chicks don't dig it. I teach blind kids. Chicks don't dig it. I need a job, a woman and a suit. Help me, Barney Wan. You're my only hope.

If you're dropping Star Wars references in emails to strangers, then I AM your only hope. That said, Coby, you're in luck: you don't need to change your job; just embrace it. Like my best friend Ted, you're sitting on a veritable ass-mine with your bro-fession. I would rank "Blind-Kid Teacher" slightly above "Architect" and only slightly below "Muscular Ice Cream Maven" as far as attractive jobs go. In fact, your occupational tractor beam is so powerful, I'll bet even your students can see it.

The key to unlocking the power of any vocation is in the presentation. You must first select a receptive target, and then judiciously leak (heh) some hints about your job. Don't worry, if you don't have a naturally attractive job like Coby's bleeding-heart gig, or an irresistibly magnetic occupation such as my own, you can simply adopt a new persona. Below is a chart of a few vocations you can try on your bro-ings out. Just this weekend, I played "architect" to great effect.


EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES
JOB TARGET SAMPLE LINE NOTES
Schoolteacher
  • Anyone with a weakness for children
  • Librarians
"And all this time I thought I was teaching THEM…" Caution: you may bag a strict disciplinarian
--exceptional or horrible, depending on personal preference.
Former Athlete
  • Sporty spices
  • Girls wearing a sports jersey/bra
  • Tall chicks
"I was a swimmer, then. Actually, I was headed for gold in Barcelona, but I pulled my groin doing the breast stroke. Still, I'm completely hairless and aerodynamic." Be sensible, i.e. if you don't look like a football player, don't claim to be one. Make sure you know which team she's rooting for. A misspoken phrase could be the difference between the penalty box and no box at all.
Fire Fighter
  • Any girl
  • Any time
  • Any place
"People ask me, 'How can you devote your life to a profession so dangerous, solely to benefit others?' To them I ask, 'How can I not?'" Seriously, you really have to try to screw this one up. Everyone loves a fireman. Even dudes.
Artist
  • Hippies
  • Repressed businesswomen
  • Impressionable co-eds
"Some call my work postmodern. But I think my art--really all art, for that matter--is…universal." Know a little something about art, then claim you don't want to get typecast.


Notes and TriviaEdit

  • The Star Wars reference Barney acknowledges is the line, "Help me, Barney Wan. You're my only hope." This is a parody of Princess Leia's famous line from Star Wars: A New Hope, "Help me, Obi-wan. You're my only hope."
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The Amazing Morning-After System

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