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Barney's Blog: Launching A Thousand Relationships

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This is the twenty-fourth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive Here.

This entry is in response to the episode Cupcake.

Launching A Thousand RelationshipsEdit

Tuesday, March 7, 2006, 11:41pm


Once again my lagging pupil, Ted, has proven how little of my advice he actually absorbs from day to day. The minute he found the strength of character to embark on the amazing journey that is a long-distance relationship, something I have been advocating for years, he admitted he would not be seeing other girls during said relationship, clearly missing the point entirely.

Now, we all know long-distance is delightful. An L-D-R provides S-E-X in two outstanding locations, at home and abroad, at highly controllable intervals. A man in an LDR secretes the irresistible pheromone nature bestows upon all men with girlfriends, which the babes on the home front will sniff out like a trained pig targeting truffles in the woods. And it is nearly impossible for long-distance girlfriends to keep tabs on what you are doing at any given moment. The pros and cons tell it all.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Long-Distance Relationships

A matrix by Barney Stinson


Pros Cons
  • Guaranteed sex
  • Save $$ on constant dates
  • Vastly diminishes chance of getting caught in bed with her friend(s)
  • Easy to break off (via telegram)
  • Offers "I'm in a relationship" excuse if ever caught in room of horny heifers
  • Exposure to new languages, cultures
  • Chicks dig dudes with girlfriends
  • ???


But friends, a long-distance girlfriend is not a wife. Long-distance girlfriends are the Lays potato chips of women. They are meant to be enjoyed in massive quantities, with tasty dips and spreads. As you can see on the accompanying chart, the more long-distance relationships you have, the more guaranteed sex partners you have. It's simple math, and one of the very few times math can get you laid.


LaunchingAThousandRelationships1


But as great as they are, it is true what they say: "Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, even when you are only maintaining five or six." Trying to keep track of the backstories and groundrules you've created with your girlfriends is a dangerous juggling act, and one for which I recommend a dedicated assistant. Failing that, a detailed spreadsheet can allow you to quickly brush-up before encountering a long-distance girlfriend. Here's an excerpt of the one that got me through the first quarter of '06.


NAME PET NAME WHERE SHE'S FROM THINKS I'M FROM WHERE WE MET NOTES
Tiffani Snookie UC Davis Israel Oktoberfest -(brewage and Animal Husbandry major) Thinks I'm in mandatory military service, do not call till '09
Joanne Cookie Chicago South Africa On holiday in Barbados Told her was pirate
Saadet N/A Stockholm Houston First class lavatory Space program
Kelly S. Pookie Toronto Isle
of Man
Baccarat table, Foxwoods Use British accent (north-midfordshire)
Kelly R. Puddin' Pop New York Killarney Laser Tag Have also wooed her as own twin brother, Sampson
Carolyn(line?) N/A Portland, Maine Austria Aunt's funeral Peanut allergy, dead aunt
Hanna Muffin Dresden Shreveport Kenyan Safari Gets car-sick

Notes and TriviaEdit

  • In Cupcake, Barney tells Marshall he's in four long-distance relationships; three of these relationships (Lisa in Madrid, Erica in Tokyo and Laura in Denmark) are not listed in this blog entry. However, the fourth relationship (Kelly on 34th Street) is the same Kelly R. listed in the above table.
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