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Barney's Blog: Holiday Spirits

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This is the eleventh entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive here.

This entry is in response to the episode Belly Full Of Turkey.

Holiday SpiritsEdit

Tuesday, November 22, 2005, 5:49pm

The holidays are a special time -- a special time to drink. The only successful way to combat the endless barrage of holiday traffic, painful family gatherings, and super-saccharine television programming, is to responsibly enshroud yourself in an alcoholic stupor from the fourth Thursday of November through New Year's Eve. This festive bender need not reach after-school-special-like proportions, particularly if you have designs on sharing a libation or three with a snowflake-dazed sally, or three. That's right, chicks dig the holiday-themed beverage, and your mastery of the lost art of mixology will have you roasting your chestnuts and stuffing stockings throughout this season. I've posted a few holiday-themed selections from my upcoming book, "The Gentleman's Guide to Foofy Drinks," an essential addition to any gentleman's valise.

Legal disclaimer: These drinks are the children of my own visionary brain and some of them are still in experimental/noxious stages. Neither I, nor any of my numerous affiliates, can be held responsible for any illness, fire, property damage, pregnancy, financial wagers, infidelities, or other non-disclosed malady associated with the re-creation of these delicious drinks. Remember, I'm a professional. And don't drink and drive. That's why you have a driver.

THANKSTINI 1 part Vodka
2 parts Cranberry juice
1 Boullion Cube (chicken)

A real centerpiece for your T-day spread, the Thankstini will parade down your esophagus like turkeys to the slaughter.

THE LONG WINTER'S NAP 1 bottle Rye Whiskey
1 bottle Children's Formula Cough Syrup

Liberally spike the bottle of whiskey with the cough syrup and count your visiting relatives like sheep as you drift into a holiday hibernation of contentment.

ARBOR DAZE 1 part Gin
1 Tree-Shaped Car Freshener

Salute our tall, wooden friends on the last April Friday with a classy tumbler filled to the brim with dry gin and stirred with your choice of car fresheners. I recommend grabbing an assortment at your local car-wash and trying out several "shades," though I find the vanillaroma and new-car the most tree-licious.

THE CHRISTMAS HAM 1 part Bourbon
1 Tbsp. Brown Sugar
1 jar Bacon Bits

Garnish this drink with a pineapple ring and enjoy all the flavor of a Christmas ham, with half the calories, and 1/20th the preparation time, allowing you more time to unwrap any tasty presents dear Santa has left you under the tree.

2 parts Cola (or "Pop," if you're retarded)

Celebrate the third pillar of Islam and practice self-control with a delicious R and C. Mix conservatively as daytime fasting, while providing more bang for your alcoholic buck, might have you praying towards Mecca sooner than you know it.

INDEPENDENCE DAY JUICE 1 part Cinnamon Schnapps
1 part Milk
1 part Curacao
1 package Sparklers

Shoot this spangled shot and avoid talking shop at your next 4th of July barbecue. NOTE: Place sparklers outside rim of shotglass.

Notes and TriviaEdit

  • The Thankstini is mentioned during the Belly Full Of Turkey episode.ok so -- 03:45, March 4, 2014 (UTC) that tastes horrible ted said so ok and don't let people drink that womanizier

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