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Barney's Blog: Failed Marriage Vows

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This is the two hundredth and fifth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from Barney's Blog at the CBS website here.

This entry is in response to the episode The End of the Aisle.

FAILED MARRIAGE VOWSEdit

Mar 24, 2014

Thumbing through a box of things from my wedding weekend I discovered a few interesting items: props, chains and safety goggles from my nuptial night; a vial of tears from when Ted tried to give his best man speech; and a notebook full of rejected marriage vows.

When you get married, custom dictates that you make a series of promises to your betrothed. Thanks, custom! The problem is that it’s almost impossible to promise something now when you have no idea how you’ll act in the future – it just doesn’t make any sense.

As such, I struggled to land on exactly the right things to say to Robin in. Below are the vows I ultimately decided were too personal, too hopeful, or simply too difficult to share with everyone during our wedding.

- I vow to love you forever, unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney-shaped hole in the wall.

- I promise to be there for you in sickness and health, but maybe in the next room if you’re super sick… like mucus-filled tissues thrown everywhere and stuff, because ewww.

- I will always be as faithful to you as I possibly can.

- I vow to stick with you through thick and thin… provided we agree upon an acceptable definition of “thick.” With that in mind, we should also settle on units of measurement: Pounds? Waist size? BMI?

- All of my possessions that you know about are now your possessions.

- I vow not to have your Grandma help me fix snacks anymore.

- I vow to disappear for only a week during my annual bro trip to Columbia (“Brogota what what?!”).

- I vow to financially support any breast augmentation you seek, as long as you’re going bigger. Duh.

- I promise to always celebrate the anniversary of this special day with you, unless it conflicts with a major sporting event, gambling trip, or marathon online gaming session. Also, there’s a good chance I’ll forget, so sorry in advance… though maybe you should’ve said something the day before.

- I vow to not get mad at you for getting mad at me for screwing up.

- You will always be the most beautiful person in the world to me – at least, until the wrinkles arrive.

- I vow to start watching hockey with you… once a month... No, once a year. Nope, hockey's dumb, not watching it. And neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast.

- I vow to eventually remove all photographic evidence of previous conquests from our shared online cloud folder.

- I vow to keep you in the dark about certain personal assets and activities so that in the event of legal action or government seizure you can invoke plausible deniability.

- I vow to do everything in my power to look identical to the way I do right now, up to and including facial and other body-part reconstruction. Okay, your turn.

Notes and TriviaEdit

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