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Barney's Blog: Dress To Impress

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This is the one hundred and fourth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mothermain character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the Barney's Blog at here.

This entry is in response to the episode The Window.


December 7, 2009

“If you don’t use it, you lose it” is an ancient biblical proverb that I strictly follow in my pursuit of being awesome. It’s a scientific fact that your awesome muscles can atrophy if not properly tested on a consistent basis. This of course is why I recently accepted the challenge of trying to get laid while wearing a pair of overalls – (Sex Difficulty Level - 8.2). However, please keep in mind that not everyone’s at my master level – so here are a few easier ones to try to keep in shape and thus not “lose it.”

Leather Vest* Difficulty level 5.7

A vest should never be seen outside a perfectly tailored three piece suit. Ladies, with their heightened sense of fashion, instinctually know this. NOTE: the difficulty level drops to a 2.1 if worn in a biker bar and down to a 1.4 if worn at a rodeo.

Fast Food Uniform* Difficulty level 6.9 / 4.8 (city/highway)

By proudly declaring your minimum wage status you might think the ladies will refuse to show interest. However, in this case, it’s all about the demographic. Cougars looking to recapture the glow of their youth will find you irresistible, especially if said uniform is complete w/ a funny wedge cap. NOTE: Remember to shave as a baby face is the ticket to glory.

Hawaiian Shirt* Difficulty level 2.4

Loud prints and a complete lack of tailoring may be repellant to you, but like the fast food uniform above, it will appeal to a certain demographic – in this case girls with daddy issues. The shirt will remind them of the infrequent vacations with their families, the only time in their childhood where dad paid any attention to them at all – at least before he was four umbrella drinks deep.

Vampire* Difficulty level 1.0

If you need a confidence boost try this one. Simply apply some white face powder and a soulful yet wounded gaze. Mention that you have been alive for a hundred years and that the moment you saw her, you knew she was the one you had waited an eternity for. Refuse to eat or drink anything in her presence and rattle off some sob stories about how much it rains in your small Washington town.

  • Null and void if you’re in a band. Rocker types can wear anything and get laid. Cheating? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.

Notes and TriviaEdit

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Dress To Impress
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Girls Vs. Suits - This Time Its Personal!

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