This entry is in response to the episode Return of the Shirt.
Directions To The Dump
Friday, October 07, 2005
One happy day three years ago, my friend Ted thoroughly dumped his girlfriend on her answering machine, on her birthday, in a classic move that would immortalize him in Barney’s Dump of Fame. Why did this dump achieve greatness? Because it was painless and effective. Three-Years-Ago Ted understood that when you’re hunting a dangerous animal you need to kill on the first shot, lest it return to rip out your liver, key your car, and sell compromising pictures of you to amateur porn sites. Tragically, Present Ted regressed, re-dated, and re-dumped this chick by “being honest with her,” a foolish stratagem that cost him a broken ego, three herniated discs, and a bruised uterus.
This is madness. Utter hogwash. Break-ups don’t need to be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming, and above all, certainly don’t need to be honest. I’ve enjoyed a hearty streak of pain-free dumpages using a set of pre-prepared rubrics, each infinitely customizable while allowing sufficient wiggle room for one last hurrah around the old oak tree. What follows is an example of one such rubric. Learn it. Be it. Dump it.
#14 – The “New Job” Dump
NAME OF CHICK, I’m very sorry to hear about your IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER. But I’m sure he/she will always look down on you from CHOSEN RELIGIOUS UTOPIA. And speaking of CHOSEN RELIGIOUS UTOPIA, my new job in the CARRIBEAN ISLAND CHAIN starts next week. I wish I could say more, but the CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION forbids it and I’d prefer to keep my BODY PART(s). I’m afraid our time together must draw to an end. Long distance relationships rarely work, and I was just made aware that CELL PHONE CARRIER does not receive service in my small primitive village. You’re a wonderful girl with great PHYSICAL ASSET(s) and I will surely miss you. I wish you nothing but the best and I bid you goodbye, or should I say CARRIBEAN ISLAND TRANSLATION.
#99 – Emergency Exits
For those who feel even a simple elaborate lie is too daunting, here are six lines that will have you skippin’ down Hottie Street footloose and girlfriend-free in six words flat.
- Maybe you don’t need those fries.
- Your moustache is thicker than mine.
- It’s not you, it’s your looks.
- I’ll help finance your boob job.
- I was faking it… both times.
- Your sister seemed to enjoy it.
Notes and Trivia
|Lick My Bells||Directions To The Dump |
(all blog entries)
|Shooting Women In A Barrel|