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Barney's Blog: Barney Knows

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This is the one hundredth entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the Barney's Blog at Here.

This entry is in response to the episode Bagpipes.

Barney KnowsEdit

November 2, 2009

Dear Mr. Stinson,

Long time reader, first time writer. The old lady and I love to bang. Been doin’ it for decades. This hasn’t been a problem before, but recently we moved to a new apartment and the persnickety fellow below us seems to resent the sweet sound of our love-making. Any advice for an old bro?


Old and Still Doing It

Dear Old and Still Doing It,

Part of being a good bro is not reminding the bros around you that they are currently not doin’ it (unless one of those bros consistently rubs it in your face, then in fact it’s okay to rub it right back in his stupid face, preferably with his girlfriend.) But anyway, because I care about my fellow bros, I have retrofitted my bedroom with studio-grade sound proofing. One could – theoretically of course – have Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson screaming at the top of their lungs in my bedroom - or belting out one of their hits - and not hear a thing.

But if you’re not ready to make that sort of financial commitment, there are still a few things you can do to ensure you enjoy the evening without bringing other bros down:

1. HEADBOARD: Instinct may tell you to push the headboard flush against the wall, but a bro in the know pulls it a good foot away. This allows it to swing freely and also gives her a place to safely wrap her fingers without the danger of getting squished and prematurely ending an awesome night.

2. MATTRESS: Though no one likes to bang as much as we Americans, the Swedes are light years ahead of us in quiet mattress technology. Why? Because even though Swedish chicks are hot, they are also easily frightened by the loud noises that regular spring mattresses make.

3. UNDERWATER: This requires some sort of oxygen supply and a semi-large body of water but I promise no one will hear you. Note: An agreed upon set of hand signals can save a lot of embarrassment as you negotiate sexual positions.

4. THE GIFT BASKET: Before adjourning to the bedroom, present your downstairs neighbor with some nicely gift wrapped ear plugs and maybe a candy bar or some fruit or something. It the neighbor is a hot woman, invite her to join you… save yourself $14.95 on ear plugs.

Notes and TriviaEdit

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