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Barney's Blog: Barney's Mail "Sack" 4

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This is the forty-seventh entry of Barney's Blog, written by How I Met Your Mother main character Barney Stinson. It was retrieved from the CBS archive here.

This entry is in response to the episode Lucky Penny.

Barney's Mail "Sack" 4Edit

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Dear Uncle Barney,

In the fall, I was cut from JV football. In the winter, I was cut from JV basketball. And now, in the spring, I’ll probably be cut from JV baseball. How will I ever get chicks if I’m not awesome at sports?

-Brian Kaufmann, Maryland

Dear Brian,

Have I failed you? Have I not made the path to awesomeness clear? Scoring a chick using athletic ability is like Michelangelo using a sledgehammer to carve the David. Sure, it can be done, but there are other tools that do the job better. (Yeah, you know what tool I mean.) But, since your mind is in the right place, I will reveal the secret to athletic success. Ready?

You just do them.

Sports are easy. I recently ran the New York City Marathon without even a day of training. Why? Because training the body is a waste of time. Why do something over and over when it only counts once? That’s like going on more than one date with someone.

Once you realize that so-called “athletic talent” is all in your mind, it becomes a simple matter of selecting the sport that maximizes your Chick Attractiveness Potential, or CAP. You think Johnny Third-String on the football team is going to get more chicks than Johnny World Champion Javeler? Javelier? Javelinist? One who throws a javelin. Individual sports are where it’s at.* Women are simple creatures: Too much movement makes it difficult for them to focus. Lend them a hand. Select a sport where the target is clear: You.

*notable exception: Laser Tag

Included below is a selection from my forthcoming self-help book, “I’m Gonna Teach You How to Live.” Good luck, Brian.

-The Barnacle


Running: Start running. Don’t stop.

Bowling: Roll heavy ball into pins. Wear funny shoes.

Long Jump: Jump. Long.

High Jump: Jump. High.

Bull Riding: Hold on. After 8 seconds, let go. Run. (See Above)

Jai Alai: Jai. Alai.

Speed Skating: Skate fast. Turn left.

Horse Racing: Sit on horse.

Rock Climbing: Find a rock. Climb it. Don’t fall.

Diving: Jump into water.

Notes and TriviaEdit

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The Stinson Super Bowl Party Sportsbook
Barney's Mail "Sack" 4
(all blog entries)
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The Barney Stinson Theatre Experience

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