This entry is in response to the episode Matchmaker.
Barney's Mail "Sack"
Monday, November 7, 2005, 3:36pm
I get emails like the following time and time again. This is for all you single girls, so pay attention:
I’ve done the bar thing. I’ve done the fix-ups. I get plenty of guys but I can’t find the guy worth having. You meet tons of girls… where do guys like you go to find them?
Ripe for the Picking
Obviously you already have my email address, email@example.com, but perhaps you are too intimidated by my masculinity and/or celebrity blogger status to just come out and ask for what you truly want. No matter. I actually prefer not to date my readers – I just can't stand being put on a pedestal – but I am willing to set you up with a good friend of mine, Jack Package.
Jack, like you, is looking for love... the big lug is such a romantic that I actually caught him filling out an application for that matchmaking service, Love Solutions. I talked him out of it, explaining to him that matchmakers are shameless snake-oil saleswitches who prey upon the vulnerable. But I think his application is a real window into his soul.
If Jack speaks to something deep within you, please email pictures (front and profile) to firstname.lastname@example.org, and I’ll pass them along. Oh, and know that Jack is frequently and suddenly called out of the country by the Peace Corps, UNICEF, Doctors Without Borders, et cetera, all of which rely on his tireless efforts, so don’t take it personally if he doesn’t return calls or mysteriously vanishes. Take heart: Love will find a way.
And this is for all you guys:
You are an awesome example to lovelorn men of all ages. Sadly, I am not awesome like you, and thus need your advice.
I like a co-worker, and get along really well with her socially. However, I lack romantic experience, and thus have qualms about asking her out on a date. I am worried that if I do so and she says no, then it will be really awkward around the office. How does a bad-ass stud like yourself deal with situations such as this?
Worried in the Workplace
P.S. I already have a suit.
Thank God you wrote me because you were definitely about to screw this one up something royal. Everything about your email (with the possible exception of suit ownership) suggests your entire approach to chicks is nothing short of disastrous, condemning you to a love-life full of dry-action spooning beneath the flickering lights of Notting Hill or some other such crap. Given your "I am not awesome" mindset, it's easy to see why you "lack romantic experience" -- anyone as consistently wrong as yourself has a better shot at getting laid by accident* than through his own laborious, Ted-headed designs. Fear not, Worried, there is an answer, but enlightenment requires a long and dangerous journey deep within your nested incorrectitude. One of us may die.
The problem is you're not thinking like a man. You're concerned if you ask out your co-worker and she says no, it will be awkward around the office. Correct. But if you ask her out and she says yes, after which you nail her and never call her again, will that not be equally or even more awkward? I take it by your silence that you had not even considered this scenario, proving you were erroneously anticipating a pedestrian office romance rather than an evening of lustful play atop the copier or other appropriate office equipment (Varsity challenge? Try the water cooler.). This is flawed thinking, my friend, for an office romance that lasts longer than a rousing game of squash, while fraught with peril for all, is most likely lethal for a man of your limited "romantic experience."
Advice? Go forth and score no fewer than six hundred biscuits without looking back. Can one of the biscuits be this co-worker of yours? Of course, but first you must either A) get her fired or B) quit your job. Then the only awkwardness you'll face will be listing "PLAYER" under "Reason for leaving" on your resume. Godspeed.
- Please email stories of accidental layage to email@example.com
Notes and Trivia
- Jack Package is the alias Barney used for Love Solutions, the dating website he and Ted used in the episode Matchmaker.
- Barney uses the Peace Corps as an excuse to leave a one night stand in the episode Drumroll, Please.
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