This entry is unrelated to any episode.
A Term Is Conceived
Tuesday, December 13, 2005, 5:43pm
Narrow escape the other night-I let a real piece of work take me back to her apartment and was lucky that my 200 to 500 million boys and I were able to escape alive, if you catch my drift. Besides being a crowd-pleasing triumph of the human spirit, this story effectively illustrates how those pithy Barney-isms make the journey from my brain to my blog to the cutting edge of the vernacular. Terms in bold are defined in a glossary below, for those of you who, as I recommend, are keeping current with my bon mots by making flashcards at home.
Anyway, I was at MacLaren's about to dot the i with a cutlet when she suddenly bailed, citing an "early meeting she'd forgotten about." Justifiably concerned that my twenty-minute investment in said cutlet was for naught, I refocused on her friend, a serviceable donut if ever there were one. With the dodgy sudden death hour drawing perilously near, I dialed up the Barnattractiveness ten percent and scored an invitation back to her apartment, to which I immediately RSVP'd, "Yo."
Bad idea jeans. After she adjourned to her bedroom to slip into something suitably slutty, I initiated my traditional CSI scan for psycho contraband and/or evidence of her Michelle Guiterrez. What I found scared me to the bone… yes, the bone.
Cleverly tucked away behind some plumbing under her bathroom sink I discovered a container of baby wipes - moist towelettes designed to wipe babies. As if that weren't enough, at the bottom of a trunk hidden in the back of her storage closet, I unearthed a 2004 desk calendar featuring pictures of puppies… dog babies.
At that moment it dawned on me just how masterfully I had been played. This chick had obviously spotted me from afar, made note of my genetic desirability and blinding virility, and then spent several weeks hatching an elaborate machination to ensnare my zygotes. The plan? Observe my patterns and preferences in chicks, then parade her much hotter friend in front of me for a full twenty minutes before pullin' chute, practically forcing me to accept the parting gift - a psychotic dragon-witch breeder chick.
Clearly, there would be no end to her treachery, and to avoid an evening of cooing and crafty contraceptive slip-screens, I had only one choice: enact a twofold escape plan. Fold #1) create a diversion through a toilet clog, freeing me to execute Fold #2) a hasty descent from her third-floor walk-up via Whitney ladder.
A narrow escape, indeed. A narrow escape from a new chick maneuver... hereby christened the Jenny Eggleseed.
Bon Mots - From the French, literally "the awesome words coined by Barney"
Dot the I - To close the deal with a cutlet you've been working.
Cutlet - A juicy, flavorful morsel one can enjoy with a glass of Merlot.
Donut - A last resort hook-up appropriate for a quick jaunt, but you really don't want to ride around on for too long. Really just for emergencies.
Sudden Death - The moment at the end of the night when the bartender flips on the lights, thereby forcing you to face the true charms, or lack thereof, of whatever donut you've grabbed at the ass-end of the evening. Deadly to the mojo.
CSI - Crazy Scary Investigation. It's important to weed out the crazies and scaries before you investigate them further. Yeah.
Michelle Guiterrez - An unfortunate trait or habit that will bother you beyond endurance, rendering further contact with said cutlet impossible and turning up in your nightmares for weeks to follow. If said trait manifests itself within the first five minutes of an encounter one can, of course, invoke the Lemon Law.
Pullin' Chute - To abort a romantic initiation. The opposite of dotting the i.
Whitney Ladder - A crude escape ladder fashioned out of clothing or bedding from Whitney's wretched second-floor apartment, or more broadly the apartment of any girl, once it becomes clear that a horrible mistake has been made.
Jenny Eggleseed - A dastardly but strategically admirable plot in which the DNA of a genetically-exemplary gentleman is captured through a late-night bait-and-switch plot involving one's more attractive friend in order to pass said DNA along to future generations.
Notes and Trivia
- Minor Correction: A zygote, in relation to reproduction, is the fertilized ovum(egg). Barney's sperm combined with a woman's ovum would be a zygote, but his sperm alone is a gamete.
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