"HOW TO BE AWESOME" – Chapter 83: The Mermaid Theory
December 6, 2010
In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness - as measured in units of how much you want to bone her - increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (SEE ATTACHED FIGURE)
The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete... not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on.
Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees - those large blubbery water creatures - would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.
For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.
*probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you're down there – it's called "multitasking."
As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She's hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she's strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she's nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she's nearing 35).
Chapter Review Questions:
1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn't prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock?
2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros?
3. Where does pregnancy fit in to the Mermaid Theory? Before answering, remember: breast feeding.